a few depressing thoughts

Last night I had the strangest dream....someone remind me of where that comes from. I dreamt about someone being trapped in an underground bunker where the air could be strictly controlled-- that is, if the controller was mindful of his duties--in which it was frequently difficult to breathe, because he wasn't so mindful. During this dream, of course, I awakened somewhat to find myself working diligently, but not altogether successfully, to get a full breath. Becoming more and more mindful of the problem, I further awakened until--too late--there I was wide awake at 4 am. Ergo, this post.

I may be falling back into a pattern of sleep that I was frequently in during my pneumonias: A successful first four hours or so--probably not quite enough to get into the deepest phase of sleep--followed by a morning nap and an afternoon nap. This pattern seems to emerge in response to a general increase in wheeziness during the day either from exertion from trumpet playing, walking, or such or from crap in the air, or from allergens. I have worried of late of a potential upper respiratory infection starting up. Yet there is scant evidence of such other than this symptom. (In turn, the symptom may be only a result of my current state of 44% lung capacity.)

And, horror of horrors, I have begun to contemplate something that truly frightens me and ties the foregoing together. Though no one has ventured as much, I wonder whether my restricted lungs will progressively become more restricted. My internist has suggested a reason for this latest insult: destruction of the phrenic nerve or others leading to the phrenic nerve by my chemotherapy. While my pulmonologist in Phoenix stated that the R-CHOP + V chemicals are not indicated in lung pathology in the literature (while other poisons used in chemo apparently are), he didn't advise on other possibilities, like a pathway to muscle control of the diaphragm. Unfortunately this latest explanation makes considerable sense for this condition to have popped up, as it were, seemingly out of nowhere. Is this just a continuing insult of chemo? 

Is it progressive? I ask this question with foreboding. One outcome of my recent physical was to find that I now lack reflexes in both ankles. Is my neuropathy increasing? I don't sense that it is. It hovers there in the background, a thrumming presence in my extremities. I detect no changes in it. But is my chemo history producing new insults? And will it continue to do so?

I am reminded of my good friend, Richard Powers, diagnosed at 80+ years of age with ALS. He died, at his own hand, with dignity, Must I contemplate a similar demise? No iron lung for me. That I know.

Perhaps this afternoon, I will wonder why I ever wrote this.....